A few hours ago, I blogged.

And after a few hours, I'm here blogging again.

I can't get to sleep. When I closed my eyes, I imagine, picture the devastated expression on my face. I know I'm not the only one going through this shit, but still, I'm the one who always freaks out big time.

Can you imagine the amount of significant stress ? All of us been through this. But I'm adding stress to current stress. I can't help it.

This makes me really really upset. It's like I could do nothing at all. The fate is within my hands and I had ruined it this way. This period has been really tortourous for me. Oh my gosh, can someone tell me what to do ?

I want to vent my frustrations out. I don't want my parents to worry about me. But seeing the state that I'm currently in, makes them, especially my mom more worried. She has been so nice, staying at home watch me study and accompanying me to school, wait for me and go home together. But this was how I fared for my exams. I know results are not out yet, and I don't look forward to that day to come, and I have already expected the worse to come.

I feel ill-fated. I know I have almost everything, just lacking a few to make it even better.

At this time of the day, I seriously do not know what to do. I can't get to sleep.

I want to be brave, I don't want to cry. Yet I have a blurred vision. I don't want my eyes to puff up in the morning. OH gosh how how how ?

I have a spiltting headache that bothered me that evening.

I'm just............. so upset with myself. I just... feel like crying my heart out, if that makes me feel better...

What am I to do at this time of the day ? Just what, specifically ? I thinking, thinking, thinking non-stop. I fear. I panic. My heart skipped a beat. When will all these be gone ? When will I overcome them ? When will I start to see things in a brighter, positive way ?

I know I'm not strong afterall. I tend to fall, pick myself up and then fall again. I'll never learn.

I know a lot of people have expectations of me, when they assured me that there's no need to have such high expectations. I know they are trying to make me feel good and less stressful, but tell me, who doesn't want to achieve well ? I have my expectations too. It is because of them, and myself, that I want to achieve those expectations, which I initially see it as not a very difficult task to achieve. But right now, it is a different thing. It's totally different. It's the opposite. I don't feel confident at all. My confidence level dropped since first paper started. Now, it has dropped to minus 15%. I feel so pathetic. Useless. Hopeless. Brainless.

Just when am I going to fulfill my expectations ?

MR is starting this coming Monday. How will I fare ? I do not know. I just feel super depressed over the 3 papers and I see it as another tough one coming up for me. The input I put in, and the output that comes out, there's a great difference. It's really, disheartening and discouraging for me to continue my next 1 year down the road in Uni.

I want and need to talk to him. I can't wait for thursday to see him.