Actually, I don't even know if I should even blog today. I blog on daily basis, because I want to pen down my feelings so that whenever I'm bored, I can just read the things I blogged. It's just like a part of a memory.

I stayed at home the whole day today. I haven't got a single clue why, but whenever I'm alone at home, thoughts would come running through my mind. And I really hate that kind of feeling, because I'm making myself miserable for nothing. That's why I don't like to stay at home ever since that day.. I want to go out, but if you haven't got that kind of cash, there's nothing, seriously nothing you can do. It struck me recently that I've been spending all my money on unnecessary stuff, buying all sorts of things and eating non stop. I don't even have money to save for rainy days. I just spend and spend, like running water flowing out from a tap endlessly. When can I come to a stop? Yesterday I'm not supposed to be home and turning in so early if I have the cash. I'd be spending my evening having dinner and drinking white wine with "tong yi tiao chuan eh peng yiu". I left 5 bucks for the week. Tell me what the hell can I do with 5 miserable bucks? I can't even afford to treat myself with fish and chips.

So I spent the whole day [I've been online since 14 hours ago] glued on You-tube, watching "Xing Pin Guo Le Yuan", it's really nice. I've watched until the 18th episode for the day, spent yesterday night and the whole day today just watching that. My whole body is aching from the sitting down for the long hours... The tv's down, and SCV's also dead, cos my dad haven't paid the bill, so there's nothing to watch on tv [except The Apprentice] tonight. Well, it's not really important.

My mom's not at home, she went to my aunty's house for dinner. My aunty called me and asked me to join them, but I didn't feel like going, so I stayed at home. My dad's back from his trip too. Sigh~ It really hurts to see them ignoring and avoiding each other. It's been almost 3 Sundays since they talked to each other. The other time they were quarrelling as well, over a puny little thing, yeah, again. Oh my gawd. When is this going to end? As I said, I don't wish to interfere but seeing them to be in this state really pressurize me. What more, they are like, married to each other so long, and what kind of obstacles haven't they been through to be together? I feel useless, because I can't do anything to solve their problem. I really don't want anything to happen to my family manz. I'm so.. caught in the middle. BIG sigh.

It's really scary when someone whom you don't know adds you in msn and talk to you. Well, I find it a little freaky when that person has a same name to whom I know. But I'm still in doubt if that person is someone I know. This afternoon, that mystery person talked to me in msn. I was a little stunned and when I asked him where he got my email add, he said "friendster" and I was like.. Okayy.. But why did you add me manz? "You pretty loh, that's why I add you" was his reply. Wth manz, I mean.. Ahhh forget it. This person is playing a prank on me and I shall just ignore. I don't think he's a good person anyway. He tried to "haha" with me but I just don't give a damn. Hey. I'm not in a beautiful mood right now here ok.

Back to where I was saying. The weather today isn't good either. It started out sunny and the sky became dark and gloomy, and rained suddenly. I felt that the sky somewhat, somehow was trying to tell me about how I feel, and it was so darn right. These few days I've been keeping a lookout on my horoscope. Reason: It's too freaky to be true. All the while I've been keeping to myself, and I'm really tired. Too exhausted to push and swallow everything down my throat - troubles, thoughts, school... I tried all ways and methods to numb myself, to forget and throw away thoughts and frustrations, I can't seem to do that. The only people who knows my deepest scars are those who constantly advises me, listen to me and give me the courage and strength to move on. For that, I'm really really thankful to them, for giving me everything that I needed during these times.

This person, "anonymous", who tagged me last Tuesday, I am not sure if you are the right person that I'm thinking about, I don't know where in the world you got my blog address from and I am neither sure if you are reading my blog daily, or only reads it every Tuesday around that time, whether or not, this paragraph is for you.I do hope you get to read it.

When you left a message here, first thing that came to my mind was "who was this person?" I felt ridiculous for someone named "anonymous" to leave some messages here. After a while, it occured to me that it might be you. Honestly speaking, I was at a loss, I didn't know how to react, not to say, not knowing what to reply. So I chose to ignore it, in other words, running away from reality. However, it's definitly not my style nor nature to not reply a message once received, so after many days of thinking, I thought I should pen down how I feel, which is right this instant. And what I'm saying is honestly speaking from the heart. If you choose not to believe, then I have nothing to say.

I must say, I'm really happy that I've known you [on a particular Saturday]. You left me a really deep impression which I was looking forward to being friends with you. I don't know if it's fate or just purely coincidence that let us meet again, but I treasure every single friend that I have in my entire life, especially you. I felt appreciated when you shared your past life experiences with me, letting me have a better and clearer idea of you. I don't know if you are trying to be an attention seeker or what, but I didn't believe that you'll say all these things to seek my attention. Until now, I still stick to my beliefs. All the times you made time for me, whether it's a movie, a talk or a walk, even to the teenie tinest thing, like bringing bottles of mineral water for me... I felt I was being cared for and I was touched. It's like I'm on top of my world. I respect all my friends, and I respected you, in any way.

You know, in this short period of time you gave me, letting you to occupy that empty space in me, it added colours in my life that made it even more wonderful. You gave me enchanting, captivating laughters, joy, memorable ******. Though it's not a really long time, somehow I thought I wouldn't regret the decision I made in the first place, and I never did. After that Monday, I admit that it's really tough for me to accept the truth, cos this was the first time it had ever happened to me, physically and emotionally. I tried lots of ways to do what it takes, but I just didn't seem to do it. I felt so troubled about accepting it. Maybe you didn't get to see it, because I masked myself, or rather, you hardly get to see me nowadays. I'm constantly doing things I normally don't do.

However you chose to leave and yes, I was miserable and it was like something sharp just pierced right through so hard that caused SO much pain and agony. I respected every decision you made. Truthfully. Call me dumb or stupid, but I still **** you, and you know I still care. Maybe you didn't tried hard enough, and you're not even ready for it, that's why you are not committing. In my eyes, you are not giving yourself a chance to cherish what you have right in front of you. Don't know if you feel that way, but I felt. Time isn't a factor, how busy can you get? If I agreed to my decision, compromising and accomodating everything is nothing. I ever thought of going back... I guess it's impossible now, right? Sigh. No point going on and on. I bet you wouldn't wanna hear it anymore too. On the bottom line, I don't know if you still care, but... it seemed to me that you don't. Cos you can just simply ignore me whenever you see me and still regard me as a friend? And tag to apologise? Please don't call yourself a jerk. In my heart, you are not one. Until today, what-ever you did that for, I blamed you initially, but now I don't. I believe you have your reasons, whatever it may be. You gave up on me, I held on. Now the only thing I want to know is that... Were the things you told me at F.E Plaza the truth? Although it might not hold anymore importance, I still want to know. Could you tell me?

If you think that it's better off this way for the both of us, I shall be cool with it. I did everything for you. Including this [the first pic]. And thank you so much for everything. It's all in the heart, and I'll never forget.

My memoirs

Don't feel good.. at all.

Neither is.

Tomorrow is my first stopover for BSU and I've got to be there at 830 am for briefing, please, let the rest of the week be a smooth one for me.